THE GANGSTER CHRISTMAS LIST
By Joel Turtel
August 19, 2006
"Boss, here's the Christmas list you asked for. But for the life of me, I don't know why you're giving all this money to these politicians. These guys on your list are the worst. They yelp the loudest all year long against the drug trade, illegal gambling, and prostitution – you know, all the rackets we run. They hate our guts. Why do you want to help these guys get re-elected?"
"Jimmy, you stupid idiot, I've explained this to you a hundred times, but you never get it through your thick skull," said the crime boss, Johnny Carrone. "I wouldn't waste time explaining it to you again, except that I got nothing to do right now."
"Now listen up. Most of the time, the crime families are at each other’s throats, but we all agreed to bribe these guys and keep them in office. You know why? Because these politicians keep us in business. They make us millions."
“How do they do that, boss?,” Jimmy asked.
"Jimmy, you ever cracked a book in your life? You ever heard of Prohibition and Al Capone? How do you think Al and his buddies got started? How do you think they went from small-time hoods to millionaire heads of huge crime syndicates? Prohibition, that's how. And what was Prohibition? It was these idiot politicians who passed laws that stopped average guys from drinking. They outlawed wine, beer, and liquor. Can you imagine the stupidity in thinking Americans would stop drinking just because they passed a law? Well, no stupidity is beyond these guys."
"Know what happened after they passed Prohibition? Big liquor manufacturers and distributors, good little American companies who obeyed the law, stopped making and selling gin, whisky, and beer. What happened then? Why, golden time for the mob who spit in the face of the law. Capone and his pals had the guts to go into the liquor business that was abandoned by the law-abiding manufacturers. And since the average guy was just as thirsty as ever, and even liked the idea of snubbing his nose at the law by going to speak-easys for his booze, business boomed for Capone and the other mobs."
"The same happened with hookers, the numbers racket, horse-racing, and then drugs. Everything people wanted that the idiot politicians forbid with their laws, organized crime supplied. The mobs flourished. They grew into huge, rich, powerful businesses. And the cops, judges, and politicians were so corrupt that Capone and the other mobs had 'em all on their payrolls."
"Jimmy, people always curse us or call us filthy names like gangsters or hoodlums. But they buy what we sell them, don't they? Why? Because we sell them things they want that their own government tells them they can't have. We're really the good guys."
"What harm does liquor, or hookers, or gambling do, anyhow? Why is it a crime for a guy to take drugs or see a prostitute? Who does he hurt if he does? Mostly himself. It's called a 'consensual' or ‘victimless’ crime. Yeh, maybe a guy hurts his wife’s feelings if he comes home drunk or gambles away the rent money. Maybe he’s a loser or a rat for doing this. But should being a loser be against the law?”
“The same guy hurts his wife and kids if he smokes or eats fatty hamburgers that give him a heart attack, don’t he? They say that a half-million guys drop dead every year from smoking or overeating. Don't that hurt wives and kids too? What about guys who work all the time and never give time to their families? Or violent guys who beat their wife or kids? Why don't they pass a law that forbids cigarettes or hamburgers, or arrest guys who hit their kids?”
“When they pass laws against using drugs or gambling, they try to outlaw normal human behavior. They want to dictate people’s morals and tell them what they can or can’t do with their own bodies. They want to outlaw human stupidity. If a guy wants to scramble his brains with drugs or lose all his money gambling, that’s his business and no one else’s. It’s his brains and his money, ain’t it?”
"It used to be that they could only arrest you if you physically hurt someone. You know, knocked their teeth out, shot them, broke their knees, robbed them or extorted money from them. Something you did direct that hurt someone else. The law could only go against you if there was a real victim you hurt.”
“Nowadays, they pass a law against any stupid thing a guy wants to do to himself, like taking drugs, gambling, going to a hooker, or not wearing seat belts. These arrogant politicians claim that doing drugs or gambling is ‘immoral’ or can hurt the person doing them, so ‘we’ have to ‘protect’ people from their own stupidity. Immoral, in whose opinion? These do-gooder politicians are just ramming their moral ideas down other people’s throats. Where do they get the gall?”
“Why is taking cocaine or marijuana immoral, but smoking cigarettes or drinking beer is not? Fact is, I read that the nicotine in cigarettes is more addictive than marijuana. What about drinking? Why isn’t that immoral? Over 50,000 people die every year from drunk drivers. You know how many die each year from drug overdoses? Lucky if its 7000, and that's only because some gangs sell shitty drugs or dirty needles. Why isn’t eating fatty hamburgers immoral if a half-million guys drop dead each year from heart attacks? Why aren’t they sending SWAT teams into hamburger joints? Why isn't pre-marital sex banned? That causes "potential harm," since millions of illegitimate kids are born every year and we have to pay taxes to support them on welfare. If they passed a law against anything we do that might cause "potential" harm to someone else, three-quarters of the population of this country would be in jail."
"You see the stupid hypocrisy of these moralizing politicians? But thank God for them, Jimmy. Cause without them we wouldn't have the anti-drug, gambling, and prostitution laws that keep us in business.”
“You know what happened when they finally ended Prohibition in the late 30's? That put the gangs out of the liquor business. Why? Because now legit liquor manufacturers came back into the business. Capone couldn't complete with the likes of Seagrams and Johnny Walker. We're not in the same league with these big companies. The crime families can only profit and stay in business by selling stuff that is illegal that legit companies won’t make."
"Well, the same goes for the drug trade today. Thank you Congressmen and state politicians, one and all, for your War on Drugs. The war’s been going on for fifty years now, with no end in sight. Their war keeps us in business. Just like liquor in the 20's under Prohibition, we grow rich because we sell something millions of people want and will buy, regardless of all their laws, drug raids, and army helicopters burning Columbian poppy fields.”
“They can't win their war, no matter how many billions of dollars they pay for an army of cops and drug-enforcement agencies who try to catch us. They can't win no matter how many millions of marijuana smoker's they lock up, no matter how many drug raids they make or new prisons they build, no matter how many drug searches of cars and people's luggage at airports they do. The coastlines and communication routes we got are so complex and clever that every time they shut down one of our routes, we create ten more.”
"Why are we so good at beating their War on Drugs? Because we make millions selling drugs. We get rich beyond our wildest dreams. That’s why every time they arrest some small-time drug dealer, ten more crop up to take their place, ten more who also want to get rich quick."
"And it's the laws and cops and War on Drugs that makes us rich. Their war jacks up the price of drugs. It costs us pennies for the stuff, and we make 1000% profit on the streets. Do you really think we're going to stop when we're making millions? Do you think they’ll ever win their war?”
"Jimmy, I love their War on Drugs. I got a house in Bermuda, one in Monte Carlo, one at Malibu Beach. I got more money than I can spend in ten lifetimes. And I got the politicians and religious moralists to thank for making me rich. I love those guys." "So that's why we have a Christmas list of politicians. We give them big campaign contributions so they keep getting re-elected. The louder these guys rant about being ‘tough on drugs,’ the more laws they pass against drugs, gambling, and prostitution, the more money we give them.”
“Of course, they don't know these bribes come from us. We hide our campaign contributions through legit front companies. And get this, they invite us to their parties, to their fund-raisers. They pin medals on us and tell us what good citizens we are to contribute to their great cause. Ain't that hilarious, Jimmy? Ain't that one big joke? So that's why that Christmas list is so important. Always remember that it's these guys who make us rich."
Carrone looked more carefully at the list, then said, "Jimmy, what is this guy doing on the list? This Senator, Pete Malone, shouldn't be here. He's our worst enemy. He's a libertarian. This guy wants to legalize drugs, hookers, and gambling. Says these laws violate people's individual rights and the Constitution. This guy is on to us. He knows that we only stay in business because of the drug laws. Guys like this would put us out of business real quick. Cross this guy off the list right now."
"You know what would happen if they legalized drugs? We'd be out of business in a month. Big drug companies would start selling marijuana, cocaine, and other drugs through drug-store chains and medical clinics. Drug addicts would get their habit supervised by doctors like they do in Holland. Needles would be cheap, new, and clean, cutting down on AIDS from dirty needles. The price of drugs would drop down to what aspirin or cigarettes cost today. We'd be wiped out by the legit drug companies.”
“And drug use would drop like a rock because drug dealers wouldn't push drugs on school kids anymore. There'd be no more profit in it because kids or their parents could buy cheap, high-quality drugs from a drug store or clinic. And God help us if they legalized hookers and gambling, too. I shudder to think of it.”
“Jimmy! I told you to cross this libertarian Senator off the list right now, you hear me?”
The mob boss looked up from his Christmas list to see Jimmy snoring in his chair. Jimmy had fallen asleep while he was explaining everything to him. Carrone knew that next year Jimmy would ask him the same questions, not understanding a word he said. "Moron," he said with a laugh to the snoring figure on the chair.
© 2006 Joel Turtel - All Rights
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Joel Turtel, author of Public Schools, Public Menace: How Public Schools Lie To Parents and Betray Our Children, holds a degree in Psychology. For the last ten years he has served as an Education Policy Analyst, studying the climate of today's public schools and its effect on children and parents.
Mr. Turtel has written two books, published over fifty articles, and has been interviewed in both print and broadcast media on the subject. His latest book, Public Schools, Public Menace has garnered national media attention – recently, for example, Dr. Laura Schlessinger featured the book on her nationally syndicated radio show.
Joel Turtel is available to discuss his book Public Schools, Public Menace in the media, at conferences, or with individual groups. Be warned though, you may be shocked by the revelations he has uncovered in America's public-school system.
"You know what would happen if they legalized drugs? We'd be out of business in a month. Big drug companies would start selling marijuana, cocaine, and other drugs through drug-store chains and medical clinics. Drug addicts would get their habit supervised by doctors like they do in Holland..."