January 9, 2014
These have been terrible days for Global Warming.
A shipload of Green Party pinheads, virtually every ninnie in Australia, en route to Antarctica to observe Global Warming, is frozen solid in the ice—in summertime, no less. Nooze media have tried to cover up the purpose of the voyage, focusing exclusively on the human drama of precious dingbats doing tai-chi exercises on deck while waiting to be rescued; but the word got out, and the world appreciates the irony of the situation.
Meanwhile, back in the northern hemisphere, winter is kicking our butts around the block. Low-temperature records are being set everywhere—and we’ve got another three months of it to go.
This is just terrible. Really, you look like such a putz when you’re yapping Global Warming to people whose teeth are chattering. But nobody said Saving the Planet would be easy! But Global Warming’s strongest allies in Congress now know what to do.
“Now that we only need 51 votes in the Senate to do any damn thing we please, the solution to the problem is easy,” explained House Majority Wimp Nancy Necrosis (D-Mordor). “All we have to do is outlaw every kind of Climate Change denial.”
“We’ve already got the votes,” said Senator Harry Pustule (D-Tartarus), “so we’re just gonna shut down all those Global Warming nay-sayers. Shut your mouth or go to jail! Climate Change denial is a crime.”
Leading Climate Change scientists James Schlock, USA, and David Tojo, Canada, who have long advocated criminalizing anyone who disagrees with them, endorsed the move.
“It’s about time!” Schlock said. “No one should ever be permitted to question Science.”
“Everyone who isn’t a scientist or a liberal politician is a moron, anyhow,” added Tojo. “They have no business saying anything.”
Senator Pustule listed several kinds of Climate Change denial that will be outlawed. “It isn’t only what you say,” he chortled, “but what you do—or don’t do!
“We’re going to ban all passive forms of Climate Change denial. Those are behaviors that tacitly deny that human activity is disastrously heating up the earth. This will include dressing in warm clothing, heating your home, eating indoors instead of outdoors, keeping your windows shut, or shoveling snow. They’re all sneaky ways of saying there is no Global Warming, without opening your mouth.”
“We won’t stop there,” Rep. Necrosis added. “People think they can subtly deny Global Warming by not going to the beach, not wearing shorts and sandals, not having barbecues or picnics, etc. Well, they won’t be able to get away with that for long!”
The academic world is all on board for this, according to Dr. Haman Shaman, Professor of Neo-Feminist Chicano LBGTXYZ Studies at Kurt Kobain College, University of Student Debt.
“Like, man, if people are gonna just think it’s cold, then they’ll be cold—y’know?” said the revered sage. “So, like, if you don’t let ‘em talk, and don’t let ‘em think, you can actually create a totally different reality. So, like, they gotta stop those deniers from denying, and creating a reality that’s not part of the program. Y’know?”
The entertainment community also supports outlawing Climate Change denial.
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“Shut up, shut up, shut up!” reasoned Sammy J. Parasite, star of “Sniveling Zombies from Jupiter.” He would have said more, but those were all the words he could think of.
“We’ve got support for this from all 57 states,” crowed Rep. Necrosis, “and the president has promised to sign it into law just as soon as he gets back from his latest vacation. We may not even need to vote on it!
“And just wait’ll you see how nice the climate gets, once we start imposing carbon taxes. And a value-added tax. And a fair use tax, sustainability tax, and maybe a few others, too.”
Complaining about the new taxes, she warned, will be treated as yet another form of Climate Change denial, and dealt with accordingly.
© 2014 Lee Duigon - All Rights Reserved
Lee Duigon, a contributing editor with the Chalcedon Foundation, is a former newspaper reporter and editor, small businessman, teacher, and horror novelist. He has been married to his wife, Patricia, for 34 years. See his new fantasy/adventure novels, Bell Mountain and The Cellar Beneath the Cellar, available on www.amazon.com