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Jesus Has Left the Building







Grants Pass




By Lee Duigon
August 22, 2013

Satires are not supposed to come true. When Jonathan Swift wrote “A Modest Proposal,” he would have been appalled if the government had gone ahead and made Irish toddlers a legal entrée for the British dinner table.

Back on July 26, 2011, right here at, I published a little satire entitled, “A New Bible for a New Age.” In it I exaggerated liberal churchmen’s and ministerettes’ penchant for spinning God’s Word to make it conform to their words. I had them rewriting the Bible, cover to cover. Their Bible even had a New New Testament.

Some readers accused me of going too far, but I pushed the gag as far as it would go: not just for comic effect, but to make the point that these people play so fast and loose with Christianity, that they might as well rewrite the Bible.

I am sorry to report that, behold, they have.

They’ve even called it “A New New Testament.” They have actually used the title I made up.

My satire has come true. God save us. I’m sorry I doubted those readers who never believed it was a satire, something I made up, but insisted it was real. How did they know?

Led by a “scholar” from the Jesus Seminar—their mission is to “disprove” the divinity of Jesus Christ—a committee representing the usual flatline Protestant losers took it upon themselves to add ten books to the New Testament. The committee even included a yogi. Don’t ask me why they needed a yogi. I just write satire; I don’t live it.

These are all advertised as “new” books. In fact, they’re many centuries old, and had long ago been rejected by the Church because they’re bogus Christianity—frauds written to promote the ancient Gnostic heresy. We may briefly describe Gnosticism as belief in a dualistic universe—matter is “bad” and spirit is “good,” the God of the Old Testament is “bad,” but the New Testament has a different God, who’s “good”—focused on secret teachings understandable only by extra-special real smart mountebanks. It was garbage seventeen hundred years ago, and it’s garbage now.

So why add ten books of crap theology to the Holy Scriptures?

The publisher’s publicist says they did it for two reasons (three, if you count pure idiocy).

First, they want to advance a feminist agenda. Why? Because that’s the kind of twaddle that comes seeping out of Union Theol0gical Seminary these days. These people just don’t like the Bible as God wrote it. Besides, they all want to be citizens of the world, religion-wise. They would like to have a Christianity that does not contradict the theology of Melanesian tree-frog worshipers.

Second, and get this: they also want to stress “the importance of the teachings of Jesus, rather than His redemptive death, which has alienated Christians”—did he really say Christians?—“who seek to square their faith with reason.”

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We don’t need nostinkin’ redemption! Yes—the Atonement is an offense to these fools, and Christ’s bodily resurrection an embarrassment. They demand that the whole Christian experience should conform to Reason. Not that Reason per se is their god. No, they’re talking about their own personal faculty of reason. Never mind that anyone’s reason is limited by mortality, skewed by prejudice and wishful thinking, subject to ignorance and misinformation, and corrupted by sin. They are the gods, and the God of the Bible must satisfy them, and pass their tests, or else give way.

And then they scratch their heads and wonder why Christians are fleeing their so-called churches, leaving no one in the pews but daft white liberals with a median age of 64.

If your church ever brings “A New New Testament” into its liturgy, run, don’t walk, for the nearest exit. You do not want to see this book on your pastor’s desk. If you do see it, head for the hills.

Otherwise, you’ll wind up living inside a satire that I wrote

� 2013 Lee Duigon - All Rights Reserved

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Lee Duigon, a contributing editor with the Chalcedon Foundation, is a former newspaper reporter and editor, small businessman, teacher, and horror novelist. He has been married to his wife, Patricia, for 34 years. See his new fantasy/adventure novels, Bell Mountain and The Cellar Beneath the Cellar, available on


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My satire has come true. God save us. I’m sorry I doubted those readers who never believed it was a satire, something I made up, but insisted it was real. How did they know?