Additional Titles







Jesus Has Left the Building







Grants Pass




By Lee Duigon
May 30, 2013

We’re going to need some new laws around here pretty soon, to reflect the “fundamental transformation” of America achieved by our glorious leaders.

It’s easy to see what sort of laws they’ll be. If you can guess what happens to a man who jumps –or is pushed—off the roof of a 20-story building, you can probably foretell America’s future, generally.

But we have a long way to fall, and before the final splat!, Congress will enact such laws as these.

Falsely claiming to be a homosexual will be a felony. Why would anyone do this? Because the rewards are great! You will instantly be able to lord it over non-homosexuals. Just snap your fingers, and if they don’t jump, the nearest human rights commission will flatten them like bugs. If you “come out” with a big publish splash, you’ll be praised effusively by our leaders and their servants in the worlds of media and education. Nothing you do will ever be wrong again!

Imagine the delicious thrill of watching neighbors, friends, and family squirm as they try to be “supportive” of you, and you know they don’t mean a word of it. And if you’re looking for a raise or a promotion at your job, or just some flashy new perks, this is the way to get it: your employer can’t risk being accused of homophobia. All you’ll need is a strong stomach and a total lack of integrity—character traits expertly developed by our public schools.

We can’t all be homosexuals. A ruling class is not a ruling class if everyone belongs to it. Therefore pretending to be one has got to be a crime.

Falsely claiming to be an illegal alien—in order to get food stamps, a job, or free health insurance—will be another major felony. Employers have been told they’ll have to pay for healthcare for citizens who work for them, but not for any illegal aliens who’ve been granted amnesty—so guess who they’re going to fire, and guess who they’re going to hire. Why, you may even be in line for a nice rent subsidy!

Naturally our leaders will never let things get to where there’s nobody in America but illegal aliens, so you’d better make your move before they get wise. Change your name to something appropriately foreign, learn a new language and stop speaking English, and you’ve got it made. It probably won’t be necessary to leave America and sneak back in across the border, but then a little extra effort never hurts.

Unlawful possession of emotions will someday be as serious a crime as unlawful possession of firearms. Actually our leaders don’t seem to mind gang members and persons in organized crime being armed to the teeth; it’s when law-abiding citizens have guns that Washington gets all hot and bothered. But I have digressed.

Canada and Britain are already well on the way to banning certain emotions, and our own leaders are in hot pursuit. Canadian “human rights” bureaucrats speak boldly of their ambition “to abolish hate.” The Supreme Court of Canada, earlier this year, defined it as a crime to hate—but only if you hate certain kinds of people. As far as Canadian judges and officials are concerned, you can still hate Caucasian males and Christians to your heart’s content. It’s only when you hate named groups of people that your emotions become a matter for the Mounties.

From banning hate, it will be but a small step to banning love, too—love, at least, for certain categories of people. Why should you be allowed to love Christians? Or Republicans? Or persons who haven’t joined a public sector union?

Improper content of prayers will land you in the soup. The IRS has already demanded to audit prayers made by the members of a pro-life group in Iowa. Can they really be that far from instituting prayer audits for anyone they feel like auditing? All they’ll have to do is tack another section to your income tax paperwork. The questions will be simple enough: “Do you pray? If so, to whom? Describe the nature and content of your prayers.”

This will be easy to enforce, when it comes to public prayers at church services or other gatherings. Just send in a few agents wearing wires, and the IRS will know what’s being prayed for there.

But how will they audit silent prayers made by an individual while gardening, or lying in bed at night? Some solutions immediately suggest themselves—lie detectors, hypnosis, truth serum, torture. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

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Illegal use of the brain will be punished. The state spends inordinate amounts of money on public education, to breed a citizen body of dull, conformist, pleasure-seeking, docile two-legged cattle—and still there are renegades who question the good will of the president, believe what they read in the Bible instead of The New York Times, engage in the crime of Climate Change Denial—oops, I left that one off the list!—and obstinately refuse to appreciate what great things our nation’s leaders are doing for them. Enforcement might be tricky, because we’re dealing with what goes on inside people’s heads. But we can at least make a start by restricting what comes out of their mouths and what they punch up on a keyboard.

� 2013 Lee Duigon - All Rights Reserved

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Lee Duigon, a contributing editor with the Chalcedon Foundation, is a former newspaper reporter and editor, small businessman, teacher, and horror novelist. He has been married to his wife, Patricia, for 34 years. See his new fantasy/adventure novels, Bell Mountain and The Cellar Beneath the Cellar, available on


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Imagine the delicious thrill of watching neighbors, friends, and family squirm as they try to be “supportive” of you, and you know they don’t mean a word of it.