Additional Titles








Jesus Has Left the Building








Grants Pass




By Lee Duigon
July 12, 2012

A harmless little family restaurant in Pennsylvania is under the gun for offering a Sunday discount to customers who stop in on their way home from church. (See; Local man sues lancaster restaurant for offering discount to churchgoers)

The owners’ crime was to offend an atheist. No one is allowed to do that, even inadvertently. The churchgoers’ discount, said Mr. Atheist, “rubbed me the wrong way.” Happily for him and his kind, whole departments of government have been set up to ensure that no one gets away with rubbing an atheist the wrong way. The Pennsylvania Human Relations Commission—were you there when it was decided that government must govern human relations?—has sprung into action on the atheists’ behalf, making ready to drop the hammer on a family restaurant. Your tax dollars at work! Yes, they will put a stop to anyone who rubs an atheist the wrong way.

We marvel at the deference paid to such a puny, pathetic individual who so desperately needs to get a life. Is he rubbed the wrong way by Gay Day at Disney World? Ladies’ Night at the corner tavern? Senior citizen discounts at Friendly’s? No, none of these rub him the wrong way. He is only offended by a churchgoers’ discount at a little family restaurant whose owners, like the rest of the human race, didn’t even know he existed until he picked a fight with them.

Throughout the United States and Canada, human relations commissions, or any government agency purporting to deal with “human rights,” exist for the sole purpose of empowering atheists and homosexuals to bully ordinary people, mostly Christians. They are never used for any other purpose. The government picks out favored groups of citizens, “minorities” that are treated as majorities, and sics them on the rest of us.

But in this particular case, it seems the Pennsylvania Human Relations Commission can only do so much to punish these villains who mis-rubbed an atheist. All they can do is harass and intimidate the restaurant owners, and run up their legal fees, until they abolish their churchgoers’ discount. And yet there’s so much more that could be done.

To explore this, we have consulted with some true experts in the field of making life hell for ordinary people for the amusement of atheists and homosexuals.

Henry Dungball, Exalted Comrade-in-Chief of Occupy Skid Row, said the problem is not discrimination, but capitalism. “Like, man, why is it only a 10% discount, and only on Sunday? The people need food. So it should be a 100% discount, every day. And the government should also make them give us all good jobs, because the people need jobs. And totally free health care and housing, and everything else the people need. All profit is theft!”

Maria Beria of the Freedom From Freedom Foundation said, “We’ll never have real human rights until religion is outlawed and no speech is allowed unless you’re LBGT—I mean, everyone else has got to just shut up, period. As for that crummy restaurant in Nowhere, Pennsylvania—a couple of years in a re-education camp, at hard labor, will teach them not to rub an atheist the wrong way. Such extreme threats to democracy must be dealt with harshly.”

Taking it a wee step further, Alonzo Bonzo, an actor best known for his portrayal of a coffee table in Lubomir Dypschitz’s cult classic, I Am a Nematode, said, “The government ought to make sure that nobody is rubbed the wrong way—ever! Take me, for instance. People who read detective stories rub me the wrong way. I get offended when I see someone wearing sneakers. And that stupid TV show, Dancing With the Stars, really gets my goat!

“Why should it be only atheists who get to put the kibosh on people whose actions offend them? We all have a right not to be offended! It’s in the Constitution somewhere. I’m just as good as any atheist—and I want my right to shut you down!”

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For the last word we turn to scientist Richard Mawkish, author of the international worst-seller, I Am Too a Real Smart Person.

“All religious beliefs are false,” Dr. Mawkish said, “and therefore you should not be allowed to have them. That’s the only scientific way of looking at it. But until we can actually stop people from having religious beliefs, public policy must be to deny any activity that indicates that such beliefs even exist. Anyone with half an eye can see that atheism promises a fantastically wonderful future for mankind.”

As for Mr. Atheist who was rubbed the wrong way by a Sunday discount at a restaurant—he can take comfort in the fact that his state’s human relations commissioners will do everything it takes to rub him the right way.

� 2012 Lee Duigon - All Rights Reserved

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Lee Duigon, a contributing editor with the Chalcedon Foundation, is a former newspaper reporter and editor, small businessman, teacher, and horror novelist. He has been married to his wife, Patricia, for 34 years. See his new fantasy/adventure novels, Bell Mountain and The Cellar Beneath the Cellar, available on


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As for Mr. Atheist who was rubbed the wrong way by a Sunday discount at a restaurant—he can take comfort in the fact that his state’s human relations commissioners will do everything it takes to rub him the right way.